A Perfect Day For Playing Sick

The perfect banana bread served in a suribachi along with black coffee. When my son was a baby, I baked banana bread all the time, using a variety of different recipes. I baked them so often, I had to give them away. We always brought some with us when we went to the pediatric clinic for check-ups. They call this the “Best Ever Banana Bread”, and I think I agree. I changed it a bit by using chopped walnuts instead of pecans. 

 My friend Sandra calls it “having a duvet day”. I call it playing sick. I’m referring to those days when you can’t for the life of you get out of bed, even though you aren’t really sick or anything.

A few years ago, I had so many days like these and so close to each other, I seriously thought perhaps I’d just stay in bed for the rest of my life, you know, like Miss Rollings in the film True Stories? But then I had to get up, because the baby got hungry.

It’s funny really, that it took me so long to figure out how to make the most of a perfect playing sick day. In reality you need only two things: A good enough excuse and a good, trusted ally. Then you need to work on whatever guilt you may feel. Let’s actually take that last piece before we move on. Seriously, don’t we all deserve a free day every now and then? A free days that isn’t exactly planned? Of course we do! We’re pretending to be sick, we’re not committing a crime, we’re not spying or housing terrorists. No need to feel guilty.

For many years I used my mom as my ally in this, and that wasn’t good because my mom is too honest and law-abiding. She wavered and she waffled and that made me feel unsure, and then the whole “playing sick” project collapsed. An ally’s job is to give you permission to stay at home. And that permission has to be given without an ounce of hesitation. Magdalena is a good friend and an excellent ally, because when you call her and sound helpless and sort-of-but-not-quite-sick, she doesn’t dither. Right away she says:
“Honey, you need to stay in bed! No arguments! Call in sick right now, and then go straight to bed. You heard me.”

If that doesn’t kill you sense of guilt, then I don’t know what does.

Once permission from a trusted ally has been granted, you need to find an appropriate reason for staying in bed when you call the office. Obviously you need to avoid the use of serious diseases. You also need to avoid diseases that Karma can use against you later: A friend of a friend once called in sick saying she had the stomach flu and diarrhea, when in reality she was in bed watching crap TV and eating Cheetos. Well, wouldn’t you know it, a week later she really did get the stomach bug and diarrhea. See? I have found that the more vague you are about your symptoms the better. I will go so far as to say feel free to invent some allergy, but make sure you use the Latin name for it when you call in.

Since most “playing sick” days are not planned in advance, it’s vital that your kitchen is always stuffed with goodies just in case. I don’t know what your preferences are when it comes to staying in bed all day, but I prefer to munch on green grapes and fruit yoghurt and my fridge is always stacked with both. I don’t watch TV, but I have a pile of Agatha Christie books and old New Yorker magazines waiting for this type of day.

When you’ve done all the footwork (found an ally, come up with a good reason, and stocked your fridge), then you just wait…  The perfect day for playing sick will come, and when it does, do me a favor and enjoy it!