Guide to Small Town Living

Breakfast parfait: Greek yoghurt, fresh berries, and almond slivers, topped with some honey.

I live in a small town, about half an hour by train from New York City. It’s in the sticks, as they say, the boonies. When at first we moved here, I promised myself I would take the train into the city three times a week “at least”. I was terrified of being left out of the loop.

Fast forward five years and I’m as out of the loop as you can get. I’m also not that concerned about it. There’s wisdom to be gained by living in a small town.

So what have I learnt?

I have learnt that the anonymity that I cherished in Brooklyn is all gone. People say hello and more than that. You stop for a chat and talk about things that go on in town.

I have learnt not to be afraid of peace and quiet. These days, when I travel into the city, I marvel at the dangerous decibels. I’ve learnt to love the lazy, quiet Sundays here.

I have also learnt that I better comply with some unwritten rules.

The most important rule is the rule of “sameness”. It means that you have to find the lowest common denominator of the group. It may take some experimenting. The older man with the kind face and the big glasses who packs up my stuff at the grocery’s on Main Street, well he is also the man who collects the offerings at my church. When he and I discovered that, we both laughed the easy laughter of recognition. We had discovered our lowest common denominator; we share something. Now, as he comes by my pew, he smiles at me and his smile tells me that he and I have something special.

It is also very important, when you live in a small town, to agree on something. This might be more important for women than for men. Most of our men are absent during the day when they are busy working on Wall Street or somewhere else important in the city. So, agreeing on something makes sense because groups of women like to know that everyone is alike. Women usually don’t like to find an orange among the apples. If they do, they tend to get a bit suspicious, which in turn can lead to malicious talk or worse: Malicious silence. And you do not want to be the target for this type of thing.

Finding something you can agree on may or may not be easy. Again, you will have to experiment. In the Big Apple nobody gives a rat’s ass what you think or believe, but we’re not in the Big Apple anymore, and remember the warning about malicious silence? That’s right. So, you put some idea out there, and wait for the reaction. There can only be one of two: Either silence (sorry, you picked the wrong idea) or cheer (yes! It’s your lucky day!). When we first came here, I was thinking about home schooling my child, and wanted to find other moms who were interested. Nobody took that bait. When I repeated my request, a nice lady put  me straight:

“Hun, we all move here because of the good school district and as the property taxes are very high, you have to understand we’re not going to not take advantage of the schools.”

I clearly had the wrong idea.

The safest bet is to agree what great job the teachers at school are doing, or what great job volunteering moms do, everyone likes a pat on the back. Another thing is to agree how great the local grocery store is (there’s only one so there’s no competition). I don’t have a problem with that, especially since they have an excellent cheese selection. Agreeing on a common cause like this will make you likeable and unthreatening which in turn will give you the stamp of approval. It may also, eventually, lead to invitations to book clubs and private parties to which not all and sundry are invited.

Now, when it comes to making friends you must be mindful. I’ve shed many a tear over the fact that there’s a great divide in my town. Come spring and summer, playgrounds and parks are separated by an invisible border sectioning off immigrants from Americans. Only immigrant women married to successful American men are allowed to join the ranks of the American women in the park. The rest are viewed a bit suspiciously. There are some refreshing and wonderful exceptions, I better add. But as a general rule: Stick to where you belong and do not trespass.

All in all however, I like it here. People are friendly. They say hello, they ask how you’re doing and they care. They look out for each other and now that you are one of them, they will look out for you and yours too. It’s just the way Mr. Rogers promised it would be: It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood. A beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?