The 180 list

Friday's breakfast: Date and nut bread with carrot spread and orange juice. Recipe from Joanne Stepaniak's Vegan Vittles.

If you’re in a marriage or a committed relationship, you need to read this. At the end of this entry, I will share with you a list that you might want to either bookmark or print, although in all sincerity I hope you will never have to use it.

In a time when most things are disposable, it seems so are families. Just a few days ago, I read about the supposedly mature way to deal with your ex-husband’s new girlfriend over how to handle the children involved. Of course there are valid reasons for married couples to break up, but I believe there are just as many valid reasons for trying to save a relationship. This is especially true when children are involved.

To single-handedly save a relationship is possible but requires heroic efforts on behalf of the jilted party, so I think it’s prudent to say that you have to really, really want it.

I believe author Michele Weiner Davis, who has written many books on saving relationships and marriages, is responsible for originating this list. I was lucky to find Weiner Davis a few years ago, when my own marriage was in serious trouble. What I like about her approach is, that is gives the abandoned partner some power.

So without further ado, here’s the list. This is what you do, when your husband/wife/lover wants out, but you want to try to keep things together.

1.  Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2.  No frequent phone calls.

3.  Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4.  Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5.  Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6.  Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7.  Don’t ask for reassurances.

8.  Don’t buy or give gifts.

9.  Don’t schedule dates together.

10.  Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11.  Act as if you are moving on with you life; and actually begin moving on with your life!

12.  Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13.  Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14.  When home with your spouse (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15.  If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!

16.  Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that they (the wayward partner) are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thereof) of your marriage. Thus, you are moving on with you life without them.

17.  Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold. Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available. Your partner will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18.  No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself someone they would want to be around, not moody or needy but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19.  All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversations!

20.  Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control: Yourself.

21.  Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22.  Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only make their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23.  Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you, HEAR what it is they are saying. Listen and then listen some more.

24.  Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25.  Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh and focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26.  Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27.  Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28.  Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29.  Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care!

30.  Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31.  Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32.  Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33.  When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause to you be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further, is SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still, more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

Have a wonderful weekend and see you again on Monday!